Dear Whiteness,
When I was a child I you gave me the privilege of not recognizing you. I lived in a world that was simple and easy. This was at least how I perceived it before I recognized you. However, this reckoning doesn’t happen overnight. As far as I know this reckoning might never end. This process of recognition is a bittersweet one. Bitter in that I realize the pain and power you have. Sweet in that I become closer and closer to shedding the ignorance you cast over me as I learn more about you and about your place in this world.
The bare truth is that I hate you. You’ve left me blind to so much for so long. You’ve given me implicit biases that eat at me from the inside out when they surface. You inherently trigger and hurt others just by your appearance. You keep me from ever fully understanding the lives of those around me. No matter how close I get to my friends, you will always keep me at least one step behind.
But of everything I hate about you, what I hate the most is that you make me fight against myself to protect the ones I love. All of my closest friends are international students. They may be familiar with you from other parts of the world, but they don’t really know what you’re like here. I don’t want to be their white savior, but I also can’t stand by and let you hurt people I hold so close to my heart. They haven’t seen what you’re fully capable here and I feel like I’m responsible for making sure they never experience the pain you can cause first-hand. It’s why I explain to them what people who look like me might say and do to people who look like them. It’s why I hope that they never encounter a Trump supporter or travel to certain places. It’s why I look them in the eye and kill their innocent ideas about what it’s like to live in America. All because I have to protect them from people who look like myself. Because of you.
I’m scared of you for them. Inherently it makes me scared of myself. It makes me scared that I might hurt them just by being myself. I feel like it’s like a colony of ants being best friends with a human – no matter how much the human may love the ants and do its best not to step on one, it’s almost inevitable due to the way the human was designed. I’m not saying that I’m completely free of fault here, but what I’m trying to say is that my design inherently hurts people I love and separates me from them, no matter how hard I may try.
And the worst part is that you and I are inseparable. I didn’t choose you, you chose me. You are part of my identity. Whenever I’m asked about my identity I have to choose you. Yet I don’t feel like you’re a part of my identity. The definition of identity is “the fact of being who or what a person or thing is”. But are you really who I am? I don’t choose to be like you, but inherently I always will be. Since you are a racist coward, so am I. Since you oppress others that don’t look like you, so do I. Since you scare and intimidate people, so do I. Since people don’t trust you, they don’t trust me either. Since I hate all of these things, and you are inherently part of my identity, how am I not supposed to hate myself?
I understand that the obvious response to this is “but you don’t choose to do any of those things”, and that’s true. But there are two important things to remember here. 1) Even if I don’t explicitly choose those things, the fact that I’ve lived my whole life with you means that I will always be blind to my own implicit biases until I am lucky enough to have them pointed out so I can begin the process of unlearning them. 2) Even if I don’t personally do those things, people that look like me do, and how is a stranger supposed to know trust me over any other white person? How can you expect someone who has been hurt by people who look like me to give me the benefit of the doubt?
Over the past few years I’ve learned a lot more about you and the role you play in my life and where you automatically place me in the world. I’ve learned that although you and I are inseparable, I don’t have to play into you. I’ve learned how to suppress so that others have more room to shine. I’ve learned to use you against others who choose to use your worst characteristics. I’ve learned how to show others that I will do my best not to use you against them. Going forward I’m still searching for the evil parts of yourself inside me that I can’t see so that I can work towards eradicating them. I’m also learning how to handle the paradox you place within me by figuring out how to bring out my most authentic inner self while being dragged in the opposite direction by the identity I didn’t choose.
Over time I know you will fade as love continues to cross over once-forbidden lines of race, but until that time I hope to take part in fighting against all the terrible things you’ve brought to the people I love while also coming to terms with your identity within myself.
Sincerely,
Morgan